Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Bobby and Al Show

More than a few years back this teaming up of Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro would have had any bonafide film buff hot tailing it to the theaters. Alas with the duos’ current track record of bad choices and worst movies, any regular filmgoer can only expect the worst, particularly since the director of record is Jon Avnet, the chef responsible for Pacino’s most recent turkey, 88 minutes. Righteous Kill (terrible title) is bland, the quirky cast (50 Cent, John Leguizamo, Donnie Wahlberg, Carla Gugino) wasted, and the proto-intensity is grafted on like a typical sixty minute television procedural, 101 minutes of cinematic drivel. If the Bobby and Al Bang a Gong Get It On Show actually draws something other than flies, I suggest a few potentially lucrative teamings: Bobby and Al as dogcatchers in rural Michigan, Bobby and Al as rival chefs at a Colorado ski resort, Bobby and Al as a gay couple who happen to star as television film nitcrits, Bobby and Al as retired stunt men spinning tales in a dusty Venice Beach dive bar, Bobby and Al as ex-New Yorkers going partners in a Miami deli , Bobby and Al as two aging Nordic brothers taking their estranged sons on an extended ice-fishing excursion in Minnesota, Bobby and Al as Othello and Iago with a western backdrop, and finally, Bobby and Al in a remake of Ishtar.


Charles R. Drago said...

How about another remake of "The Odd Couple"

Al is Felix Unger (think Michael Corleone with a dust cloth) ... who ends up killing Bobby's Oscar Madison (think Jake LaMotta without the etiquette).

I'm serious. The original script examined line by line for subtle reworking, plus a few new scenes.

Felix, a renowned Manhattan photographer, is revealed to be the most fearsome of snuff film auteurs.

Oscar, a renowned Manhattan sportswriter, is revealed to be up to his crud-dripping eyeballs in gambling debts to the wrong people.

The cuckoo Pigeon sisters -- played by the Barbi twins -- are hookers who are bleeding Oscar dry ... until Felix decides to cast them in his next film.

Murry the Cop -- played by Larry David -- is a founding member of the NYPD Taxi service, and is given the contract on Oscar by the loansharks who hold his markers.

Oscar convinces Felix that they should go on an ex-wife-swapping weekend, which is played like a Noel Coward drawing room comedy -- only darkly. Felix walks in on Oscar buggering the former Mrs. Unger -- played by Laura Linney -- who tries to placate her ex by telling him, while in the act, that the only reason she's allowing Oscar rear entrance is becauce is dick is so much smaller than Felix's member.

Another scene: After being dressed down by Oscar, who is fed up with all the cleaning, Felix, holding scissors, approaches from behind his seated roommate. Oscar hears the scissors clicking and sarcastically asks, "You're not gonna give me a haircut are you?"

Close-up on Felix's eyes ...

This sort of thing.


Scotty D said...

I'd greenlight it. Somebody call Art Linson...

Mark said...

...are these not tears of laughter falling down my cheek? Competing chefs at a ski resort! Please kill me now.