Open Letter to Nic Cage

Did everyone note with interest last week’s news item that had actor Nicolas Cage buying property in Middletown, RI?

Nic Baby,
It goes without saying that I truly dig you--as an actor, as a celeb, and as a man's man. When you touch down in RI look me up man, I promise to keep it on the QT, on the down low. I'd be the best guide you can find; I'll even buy the drinks, all of 'em. Here's what else beautiful little Rhody and I can provide.

1) Hairstylin’. As much as your are the acknowledged modern cinematic master of the hairpiece, RI, in fact just the cities of Cranston, Johnston, and Providence alone, would provide you with enough hair sights and styles to last you well into the twilight of your movie career. I can show you the hair magic.

2 ) Accentin’. You could just start with mine, still chock full of RhodeIslandese despite my state college education and a wealth of well (and) proper-spoken friends, then we could sit back and watch he the nightly local news (over drinks) which is resplendent with a wonderful array of variations, then we could hit the streets for a true accent cornucopia. Somewhere between the New Yawk tawk, the Connecticut click, and the Boston honk, lies the ugly beauty that is the unvarnished Rhody speak.

3) Imbibing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you can find drinks and drinkers everywhere, but I can personally turn you onto a world of tongue-twisted daytime revelers, shot-induced serial tawkers, whiskey-soaked philosophers, and the like. Plus, we could either stay put at the same watering hole or hit a different spot (high-end or dive) every night for a month straight. (I'm a heavy drinker too, although much like I suspect you are, highly enlightened and largely coherent. Trust me, I’ve gotta ton of practice.)

4) Eating. Oh yeah, once you get outta Middletown I will guide through an array of eateries, easily on the level with the glorified dogwood that you usually get in and around LA. The best part being that odds are virtually no one will wolf on you as a Hollywood stud; you'd easily pass as one of my fellow labor buddies, or assistant to the Mayor in Cumberland, RI.

5) Cinematic Discourse. Of course I watched yer career unfold, and I’ve noted the furrowed brow, the burn-baby-burn eyes, the steely lips and quivering pout, and the blood and sweaty-sweat that you put into your craft. I watched you channel Elvis (in Wild at Heart and Honeymoon in Vegas), I’ve stared at you chewing bugs (in Vampire’s Kiss), I’ve admired you managing Bugs Bunny choppers (Peggy Sue Got Married), simpering with sensitivity (Valley Girl) , going mucho macho (Con Air and The Rock) selling your artistic soul (National Treasure) tag teaming with Sean “The Magnificent” Penn (Racing with the Moon), playing lonely second fiddle to Richard “Bloodless” Gere (The Cotton Club), donning the ultra-glazed ham (Face/ Off) , and doing it doleful (City of Angels), blue collar (World Trade Center), cartoonish (Raising Arizona), seri-ass (The Weatherman), whimsical (Adaptation), ironic (Lord of War),actorish (Birdy), rabbity (Bringing Out the Dead) and full-tilt boogie (Leaving Las Vegas). I’ll talk the talk about the method, your method, realism vs. exaggeration, Mad Francis Coppola, Marty The Man Scorsese, the Coen boys, Queen Shirley MacLaine, Davey Boy Lynch, Johnny Woo-Woo, big budget vs. no budget, artistic integrity and bold-faced commercialism, anything you want anytime, anywhere in the state of Rhode Island. Nic, you the man, and I’m your boy, you dig homey?

Sincerely,
Scotty D