Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Just look at the pile of pure low brow excrement planned for the summer television schedule--Fast Cars & Superstars (ABC), Bridezillas (WE), Who Wants To be a Superhero? (Sci-Fi), Rock of Love with Brett Michaels (VH1), America’s Got Talent (NBC) and my true blue fave Hey, Paula (Bravo), which has the reality cameras following around that multi-talented scion of charisma Paula Abdul. (And that’s just dragging one plastic gloved finger through the surface of crapola.) Well, let me pitch the following:

Burrowing Into Bob Barkers Bowels-We follow the octogenarian around from bowel movement to bowel movement, with the ever charming Bob both narrating and analyzing for our pleasure, and some bonus comic relief from Bob’s home staff, including Ch-Chi, his 22-year-old Brazilian maid, Arable, his 23-year-old Dominican gardener, and Bona, his 24-year-old Columbian personal trainer.

Going Postal-A nationwide search gathers together as many US postal workers who have recently been laid-off, fired, checked into drug or alcohol rehab, suffered work-ending injuries, or have taken leaves of absences due to on-the-job stress, and comedian Joe Rogan and retired Major General Paul Eaton (former head of Iraqi training mission) put them through their paces in order to determine the best and most qualified to go postal at their former work place.

The Wide, Wide World of Dog Crap and Cat Vomit—Regular people from all over the country, from Glendale, CA to Baton Rogue, La., send in home made videos highlighting the wide variety and forms of dog waste and cat upchuck.

Cribbage Wars---Behind-the-scenes look at the rough and tumble world of competitive cribbage, peopled with unforgettable real life characters like Dotty the Baker’s Wife, Slim Jimmy Wolinski, and Matt “the Knife” Stewart.

Mowing It! —Deeply insightful, wonderfully panoramic look at the wide array of lawn care products, tools, and lawn mowers of every shape and size, hosted by the wry Richard Karn, formerly of the fondly remembered hit Home Improvement.

So You Think You Can Massage—Documentary crews hit the back alleys and out-of-the-way store fronts in crusty, busty run-down New England cities, searching for the one undocumented masseuse who can provide host Mario Lopez an empyrean happy ending, all for a $2,450.00 sweepstake price and an accompanying green card.


Charlie Drago said...

More pitches:

"So You Want to be a Terrorist" -- contestants vie to build the more powerful IEDs, go on mock suicide missions, establish relationships with Western intelligence agencies, defeat multi-billion dollar air defense systems with box cutters, cause steel skyscrapers to collapse into their own footprints at the speed of gravity, disappear jumbo jets into buildings and fields without leaving debris from the planes ... that sort of thing.

"Survivor Auschwitz" -- Two teams, the "Inmates" and the "Sonderkommandos" compete to survive the horrors and degradations of camp life. "Survivor" meets "Schindler's List."

"Afghanistan Has Talent" -- Buddha-busting, women-beheading, book-burning. The ground's the limit.

"Whose Genocide are You On?" -- Armenians, Jews, Native Americans, Rwandans, Kurds, mountain gorillas, whales, piping plovers, bees, and thoughtful, moral Americans make their cases before a panel of celebrity judges. Who's genocide is most genocidey? You decide!

"The Fellate Show with George Bush" -- "The Mouth" from Andover hosts a late night hum fest. On the first episode he receives rather than gives, thus lending new meaning to the term "blowing a little dope."

"American Idle" -- Couch potatoes compete to see who can do the least in the most amount of time.

"Allahpalozza" -- It's fun fun fun at the Haj.

What do you think? Any shots here?

skylolo99 said...

How about -
"Are you smarter than a door knob?"
Man on the street asks folks questions regarding current events and history and then asks the door knob. In test screenings you'd be amazed at how many people lost to the door knob. Or maybe you wouldn't. (NBC Tuedays after - "Lick My Balls" miniseries about the true story of Lassie)

"Gallager Indepth"
Comic genius Gallager tackles to the tough questions like, "Where does earwax come from?" and "What constitutes a big dick?" (Mondays and Wednesdays on NBC 8:30 - 11:00)

"Paris Hilton's Toe"
A camera is attached to the big toe of Paris Hilton. (History Channel - Saturdays 8:00 to 10:00 right after "Hitler's Whacky Side".)

"Roger Clemens Cookoff"
Similar to Betty Crocker's Bakeoff but with a touch of class. (PBS Thursdays 9:00 -10:00)

mdoggie said...

I don't have any pitches, just a shaky finger pointing at some silver linings:

Showtime's "Weeds" starts in August

David Duchovny in "Californication" around the same time. I'll watch.

Tell me "The Flight of the Conchords" is not the most inventive banality on the tube since "The Monkees".

"Big Love" has an unfortunately short season, but you can watch it again. Harry Dean Stanton figures large this season. Hey, I must have missed it, did Bruce Dern's character die? Or just move away with his many wives?

"John From Cincinnati" Even if you could give a computer generated rat's ass about the SoCal surf scene, Rebecca DeMornay looks great and Ed O'Neill kicks ass.

"Entourage" is still strong.

I know, it's all HBO and Showtime; You see, my remote is broken and only goes to those channels and IFC, Sundance, AMC, TMC, CSPAN and LINKTV. Honest.

Charlie Drago said...


"The Oprah Lick-Off" (alternate title: "The Vagitarian") -- Halle Berry, "Best Friend" Gayle, Rosie O'Donnell, and "Used to" Bea Arthur are the celebrity judges, Oprah is alternately the licker and the lickee, and each member of the studio audience gets a cut crystal pony of the Big O's vaginal discharge.

"YOU get some cunt juice!" "And YOU get some cunt juice!" "And YOU ... "

"Six Flags Over Ground Zero" -- Who can design the best rides for the newest tourist attraction in lower Manhattan?

"You Call That an Enema?" -- Fleet, suppository, or the good old bag-and-hose? Contestants try to beat the clock before they're pooped. No colostomies, please!

"Something Liquid This Way Comes" -- Just a title. I'll get back to you.

"Majorie Sundlun's 'I've Got a Sleekech'" -- No impediment to laughter here as the former wife of the former gov dishes the dirt with contestants who have to figure out what the fuck she's saying before they're so covered in saliva that they puke.

"Jim Langevin's 'Wheels of Fortune'" -- Which contestant can shoot him- or herself in such a way that they survive, sue, collect a shitload of money, get elected to congress, and not accomplish a fucking thing?

Gotta go, my meds are ready.

mdoggie said...

Hey Mark C,

I was just thinking about "Are You Smarter than a Door Knob" - before my remote broke, I think I saw that regularly on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show", right?

I wrote the original story on which "Lick My Balls" is based back in college. It wasn't about Lassie, though, it was about my friend's secret lover who later became a famous camera operator for NBC's Chicago affiliate.

The Paris Hilton ToeCam has possibilities, but hasn't Brittany been sporting one pointed straight up for months now?